Secret Smile

Let yourself be loved this is what this goal should really be called because I seem to keep blocking people out of my life.

I am a nice person but when people get too close I drive them away. It’s a defense mechanism. Apparently I never say anything nice to people I really like. I meant to but I probably just kept it to myself.

With people I really like I open up my whole life to. I hide nothing but yet I feel they still don’t understand me.

Even when I feel something for someone I let my brain make the decision and I hold back my feelings for fear of rejection. They assume I don’t like them and move on.

I know I need to take a risk and take a leap of faith but maybe those people are not meant for me if they can’t even wait around long enough to understand me.

About two weeks ago in between exams I had really bad chest pains and my chest was tight too it was difficult to breathe properly and I felt faint.

Then I remembered I had not eaten for three days without noticing (I don’t have an eating disorder seriously) it was all the revising it just slipped my mind. I don’t know what it is but I am just never hungry enough to get up and go eat. I always just remember its something I have to do everyday like brushing my teeth.

I went to the GP (doctor) the next day (when the pain had gone it came back every time I laughed or made sudden movement). He examined me and said that he can not see anything wrong with me at that moment I must have been just stressed that if it comes back again I should get a blood test that I might be anemic.

Now I think I am anemic because I got the pain again and I read up on it and I truly show all the symptoms. I do get scared of having blood test its like looking for more than you want to find. I don’t want them to tell me that I have something bigger being anemic.

Well this is an odd one I know but I sleep too much and when I wake I am tired and want to sleep again.
I sleep in the middle of the day too.
I have slept from 5pm to 5pm the next day before how weird is that.
This usually happens when am bored and depressed so I sleep more. I should really stop this.
I get tired pretty quickly but I think it’s a vicious cycle of me sleeping too much.