Secret Smile

this was a scary one but i passed i need to do better in my final stage to get a first.

I finally figured out what i want to do with my life.
i think….you never know i could change my mind again.
but either way i am definately on the wrong course and i only realised this just when am about to do my final year.
No worries i’ll just get the degree and get the hell out.

I want to be a photographer. I always had it on the sideline as a hobby and just telling you makes me feel like i have just jynxed it.

i always told myself photography doesn’t pay well, jobs aren’t supposed to be fun and i just dont have what it takes.

i still feel that way, but i honestly can not see me stuck doing a programming/website 9-5 job.

so despite all that, after i graduate from my multimedia degree. i think i’ll do a part time course in fine art while i do a boring programming/website 9-5 job.

i also need to work on my photographer and model skills i just can not get what i want out of my models. Theres always the option of using myself as my model (i do this already narcissist? you say) like cindy sherman.

joined a body conditioning exercise class. its like aerobics but with weights. i find the class very challenging and fun and the pain of the work out only hits you the next day. i love it.

Let yourself be loved this is what this goal should really be called because I seem to keep blocking people out of my life.

I am a nice person but when people get too close I drive them away. It’s a defense mechanism. Apparently I never say anything nice to people I really like. I meant to but I probably just kept it to myself.

With people I really like I open up my whole life to. I hide nothing but yet I feel they still don’t understand me.

Even when I feel something for someone I let my brain make the decision and I hold back my feelings for fear of rejection. They assume I don’t like them and move on.

I know I need to take a risk and take a leap of faith but maybe those people are not meant for me if they can’t even wait around long enough to understand me.

About two weeks ago in between exams I had really bad chest pains and my chest was tight too it was difficult to breathe properly and I felt faint.

Then I remembered I had not eaten for three days without noticing (I don’t have an eating disorder seriously) it was all the revising it just slipped my mind. I don’t know what it is but I am just never hungry enough to get up and go eat. I always just remember its something I have to do everyday like brushing my teeth.

I went to the GP (doctor) the next day (when the pain had gone it came back every time I laughed or made sudden movement). He examined me and said that he can not see anything wrong with me at that moment I must have been just stressed that if it comes back again I should get a blood test that I might be anemic.

Now I think I am anemic because I got the pain again and I read up on it and I truly show all the symptoms. I do get scared of having blood test its like looking for more than you want to find. I don’t want them to tell me that I have something bigger being anemic.

Well this is an odd one I know but I sleep too much and when I wake I am tired and want to sleep again.
I sleep in the middle of the day too.
I have slept from 5pm to 5pm the next day before how weird is that.
This usually happens when am bored and depressed so I sleep more. I should really stop this.
I get tired pretty quickly but I think it’s a vicious cycle of me sleeping too much.

People always say there are people out there who love you but I have never seen them.
Maybe it’s a cultural difference in display of affection like I keep telling myself.
See my whole family is African and well I would say I am too but because I only lived there for 8 years and in England for 12 years I think I have grown more accustomed to the English way. I can’t even remember much of Africa there’s so many things I try to forget that I think I have added even the good memories.

My point in all this is that I have never felt loved. Maybe my family does love me but they have never shown it.

I know God loves me. But sometimes you just want to be shown, you want to feel it, you want to hear it.

I chose this target to remember to keep in contact with old friends to put more effort into new ones and to be there for current ones.
I am too insecure in this arena. I always think every time I leave the room they start talking about me. Girls can be bitchy (this is why I like guy friends better).
But I know what I should do is trust my friends to stand up for me in such catty situations and not worry that people are poisoning them against me.
If they are silly enough to believe whatever is being said they obviously aren’t good friends to begin with.

I am the talker in all my friendships but I find I listen well too. Sometimes they are quiet shocked when I mention something from previous conversations because they assume I wasn’t listening.

When I first meet people I am better at one to one rather than the group thing